TV or not TV
In baseball, you get sent down to the minors. In showbiz, you get conned into a TV show. Often, a network is so overjoyed to grab such a talent that they forget to write a decent script and think the name will instantly boost ratings.
Movie stars on TV are perverse. We’re trained to think that it’s a one-way track. Once you’ve left, you’ve graduated. You’re not supposed to crawl back into the womb. And if you leave and never make it out in the big, wide world of the silver screen – returning means admitting you’re a total failure.
With that in mind, we fail to recognize that some TV stars can make a boatload of cash without stepping one foot in movies. Sometimes it's better if they don't try at all. And one thing large-livin' celebs never fail to take notice of is where the money is. The result is a lot of strange concoctions lately, and at least one serious empire.
Here is a list of movie stars who have gone small, for better or worse.(Note: I am leaving out perennial straddlers like Brian Dennehy and Sally Field.)
Star:
Jeff GoldblumShow:
RainesResult: Won't live until fall.
Star:
James Woods
Show: Shark.
Result: Fish out of water.
Star: Geena Davis
Show: Commander In Chief
Result: A TV show provides a better schedule for the new mother. Comes out looking like Lincoln next to "The Geena Davis Show." Not to mention Cutthroat Island.
Star: Patricia Arquette
Show: Medium
Result: Demonstrates definite clairvoyance.
Star: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Show: Ghost Whisperer
Result: It wasn't necessarily her skills that got her leading status. And what I think got here there obviously haven't disappeared, so I really don't understand this.
Star: Charlie Sheen
Show: Two and a Half Men
Result: TV success puts good "Spin" on messy breakup.
Star: James Spader
Show: Boston Legal
Result: Had to go through Stargate to find Captain Kirk.
Star: Glenn Close
Show: The Shield
Result: One season on the sidelines, then right back into...(?)
Star: Kiefer Sutherland
Show: 24
Result: Like a truck full of fertilizer! What a move.
Who did I forget?
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The Bucks Stops Here
...why would consumers trust its taste in books and films any more than they’d trust, say, Simon & Schuster’s taste in Ethiopia Gemadro Estate decaf?
The Starbucks Phenomenon is the defining cultural movement of the last ten years. It has made an even greater impact than Bubblegum Punk. That's why this is something we all have to discuss, and by "all" I mean Americans aged 18 - 28.
Americans older or younger can feel free to comment too. Or foreign-born people, for that matter. The age perameters are intended to reflect the age of supposed cultural influencers who I hope can explain, among other things, why Starbucks is so influencial.
Starter questions:
1) What is Starbucks
really selling?
2) What makes Starbucks attractive to so many "intelligent" people?
3) What can we as artists/musicians/writers genuinely learn from Starbucks and The Starbucks Phenomenon, or are they the exact antithesis of our being?
4) Under what circumstance is the purchase of cultural items (books, music, etc) not "consumerist" in nature?
5) (loaded question) Why are we not laughing?
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A Brief Biography of Marc Singer
Note: All musings on the actor's personal life and training regimen are pure speculation. Marc and I joke about this stuff all the time.It's been a beastly journey for
Marc Singer. With guest roles in classic 70s shows like Hawaii Five-O, Barnaby Jones and Columbo, he busted out with his outer He-man,
The Beastmaster, in 1982, rocking the shit out of high priests, witches and those crazy minions that eat people whole with their skin-cloak-orifices (only if you saw it do you know).
Then, onto Dallas and Murder She Wrote. I was ecstatic in the early 90s to discover a direct-to-video sequel, but when I actually rented it, I was severely demoralized. They did the Awesome Fantasy Characters Go to Earth and Look Stupid thing. This phenomenon is usually marked by the asskicking muscle-bound superstar being thwarted by ordering at fastfood restaurants, attacking a vending machine or being stumped/amazed by other mundane Earthly conventions like automobiles. In his natural setting, the romantic costar is first timid at the hero's immense strength and fighting abilities and just about faints when he kisses her. In this new, bizarro realm, she is first offended by his barbaric ways, then finds him innocent and cute and tries to unearth his sensitive side.
At some point in the mid-90s Marc Singer got lazy, I suspect, and abandoned the gym for the fastfood joints that so puzzled his alternate identity. He had to learn how to actually act - and did vocals for several animated cartoons.
Then he got divorced, spent all of his money on hookers and endured a horrific midlife crisis. His only recourse was to resurrect the true calling of his life - the Beastmaster. He returned to the jungle on a strict diet of tree bark, slugs and strangling tigers with his bare hands. I haven't seen the latest instalment, but it was good enough to spawn the TV show in 01-02 - bringing back this beloved character a full two decades after its inception.
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More Wisdom
Every author of a popular book receives self-indulgent letters from idle readers, but only Tim Russert was wise enough to turn a profit on this gluttonous material. (Actually, gluttony reminds me that Michael Moore turned
a similar trick.) When "Lil' Russ" decided to spend
an entire book bragging about his father, people immediately realized that they, too, had a father worthy of penned accolades. Russert then compiled the sappiest specimens - and all in time for Father's Day. Pure genius.
What my readers don't yet know is that
Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons is only the beginning of an entirely new genre. Below are some of the other upcoming titles that present letters written in response to previous, or current, bestsellers.
Wisdom of Harry Potter Parents share testimonials of illiterate children forsaking Twain, Fitzgerald and Harper Lee for the well of true literary enlightenment, J. K. Rowling.
The Devil Wears Wisdom Overpaid executive assistants share their desire to bite the hand that feeds their miserable existence and provides their sole inspiration.
Wisdom in a Million Little Pieces Cattle ranchers and Hermes employees commiserate with James Frey over cataclysm inflicted by the wrath of Oprah.
Wisdom on Beauty Women of diverse ethnic backgrounds proclaim to British novelist Zadie Smith the positive effects of being attractive and Cambridge educated (or Ivy League, stateside) vis a vis less-educated women of similar ethnic makeup.
Wisdom of the Night Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel shares similarly oppressive narratives from a new Oprah audience, including tales of culturally-induced low self esteem and husbands neglecting the needs of their wives.
Wisdom from a Flat World Victims of steamroller and other industrial accidents involving large rolling apparatus write New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman about their own experiences in a flat world.
Wisdom of Freakonomics Not even Steven D. Levitt could have extrapolated this many letters and emails! Women reflect on the many criminal misadventures their unwanted children would have partaken in had they not been aborted fifteen to twenty years ago.
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In Pursuit of the Sleepy Express
Living on Long Island, I have to pay $100 more than my subway-riding coworkers each month to ride the ol' L-I-double-R. But for that chunk of change, I enjoy a slightly improved civility - though fewer acrobatic dance shows. I will just about always get a seat. I get to read, unmolested. But most importantly, I get to sleep.
The morning is essentially junk time for me. I stayed up too late the night before and am merely surviving til that morning coffee at Chock full 'o Nuts, at Herald Square. I have fully convinced myself that instead of getting 20 pages deeper into Jared Diamond's Collapse, I am much better off collapsing, myself, and serving up my body a healthful power nap.
It takes a little navigating to discover the best accommodations that the Long Island Railroad has to offer. Everybody has the same ticket, and it's up to you to decide if you're going to ride coach or business class. Below is a list of sleeping accommodations, rated from Spartan up to Lavish.
Mr. Ed Grab a pole. Usually used for half-sleeping drunkards who do not want to wake up in Ronkonkoma.
Comfort level: N/A
Sleepy Slim Before the advent in 1988 of the Handle on the Side of the Chair, LIRR trains were designed with one Half-Seat in every row that featured a handle on top for a standing-room-only passenger to hold onto. Unlike subway cars, trains have poles located at the door lobbies only. Unfortunately, these un-chairs still exist, the back of which is only high enough to accommodate an infant or toddler. If adjacent seat is vacant, and you absolutely need to rest your head on something, place delicately on corner of the higher backing, as if resting on an invisible person's shoulder. People will stare, but don't worry. Just don't lean too hard, as to avoid swelling of the brain.
Comfort level: Injurious
Sleepy Twin During rush hour, about the only best option. Each row has two seats on one side, three on the other. We'll call these groupings of two and three "sections." First, every individual claims a section, which leaves the next wave of sitters to sit on the aisle side of the three-seat section. This is the Half-Seat position for the older trains. But you must not select a Sleepy Twin if there is a Half-Seat available. (That would turn it into a Creepy Twin.) You have to suck it up. That is why you are better off on a more crowded car or a deserted car. If the car is in that Half-Seat seating limbo, bail pronto!
Comfort level: Still a Little Too Close
Sleeperloper Pretty much as a rule, a man (we're broader) will stand in the aisle rather than sitting in that middle seat of a three-seat section. But alas, if the car is almost bursting, you have to take it, as it is your duty to provide more room for other aisle-dwellers. And once you're packed in there - oh well, what does it hurt to catch a coupla winks?
Comfort level: Beyond Close...Approaching Snuggly
No Feet Sleep Why does anybody want to be facing anybody else on the morning or evening commute, which represents about 95 percent of LIRR commuters?? Unfortunately, at each end of the car, that is exactly the environment these geniuses created. Instead of just curling up in a corner, you have to knee-wrestle your fellow passengers to get any space. Often, though, you can stretch one leg out on a diagonal.
Comfort level: Numb or tingly
Sleep Over At Jamaica, the connection train does something very weird. It plays favorites by opening one side of its doors first - and it's always the other side. A torrent of commuters rush in to take up all the decent spots while you drool, nose pressed up to the glass. Get smart and hop over to the other side via footbridge. If you're really good, you can time it so that you are walking down the other side as the train approaches. This will avoid uncomfortable stares from across the tracks.
Comfort level: Getting There
Less-Walk Sleepy When you're City-bound, trains approach from the east and head west. The car that is furthest east is effectively the caboose. It will also be the more popular of the end trains as most of Manhattan is toward the 7th Ave direction (east), not 8th Ave (west). I say this because there are two forces at work with train sitters: 1) toward the middle of the train, where most foot traffic settles on the platform 2) toward the ends, to get closer to ultimate destination. (The result is roughly a sine graph over the length of the car, but with a slight peak over the end cars. Observe these irregularities and, perhaps, take the second to last car if necessary.) For me, I am currently walking east from 7th, so the east car is my Less-Walk Sleepy.
Comfort level: Sleepy
Sleepy Car But you soon realize that you would trade an extra avenue's walk for a good 15 minutes of sleep every morning. You're in no rush to get to work. Now you are beginning to gain wisdom. Walk west and stretch your legs out in the most available car. In fact, if that one is a little crowded - just wait for the next connection. Oh, it's a local? Even more sleep!
Comfort level: Ahhhh...
Sleepy Express My station is pretty small and has a pretty affluent clientele. Though it is not at the termination point of any LIRR line, someone conned the railroad into originating a direct-to-Penn train at this stop! (There aren't any other Penn-direct trains out of the entire day's schedule!) Have your pick and enjoy the trip.
Comfort level: Nirvana
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Mission: Cruise
Based on popular response, I have decided to republish this MySpace post on my new blog, so the world can see it. Let it be known that there are others out there who are pro-TC (though the jury's still out on SB).May 3, 2006:
Everybody says I love TC. That's Tom Cruise, aka: Maverick. That can't be further from the truth. How could I love somebody that I don't know? I haven't even seen every single one of his movies, including Cocktails, more than four times each.
I don't understand the infatuation that everybody has with my supposed infatuation with this on-screen deity. I could only categorize this entire situation as a farce, with myself unfairly thrust into the Rosie O'Donnell role of unchecked idolitry.
I resent this. And will prove you all wrong.
For one thing, it is nearly 4:30pm, May 3. The New York debut of Mission Impossible III is all but unfolding and Scientology shaman Charlie Babbit is not a dozen blocks up from the site of my inarguably unfullfilling job as I write this. I could be among the scads of journos and skittish teenage mobs outside the MTV Times Square studios just waiting to catch a glimpse of our favorite leading Lilliputian, but NO...
It's time for me to take a stand and say once and for all that I am not in, nor have I EVER loved Tom Cruise. Perhaps we would get along fine over a pint of Bass. Perhaps if he offered to pick up a nice dinner at one of his favorite swanky Big Apple haunts, I would accept. Maybe he would pass me an L. Ron pamphlet and I would consider joining. He might mention Suri is in need of a godfather, and I would be honored. I hear they're still looking for a costar in The Last Samuri 2?? Sign me up, and I won't even demand the 30% back-end he requires.
I'm straying from the point, which is that I do not know this man, and would fain to know him as I would any of my fellow man so laced with intrigue. He stands on his own as a seminal figure in pop culture past, present - and, sure to be, future. He is politically much more refined than your typical Clooney or Penn or Gere. He kicks the baby smooth asses of pampered Walker and Diesel. He has proven time and again that, over time, one's image has the inevitable shelf life enslaved by radioactive decay. To be susceptible to this is the very definition of being human.
In the image of Tom Cruise I see the reflection of my own humanity.
Why does Tom Cruise threaten you so? And why does my infatuation with him threaten you so? (Supposed infatuation, I might clarify.)
What has he done to justify your vehemence? And what have I done, but stand up to the truth that he is not just a pretty face, but a rousing thespian? In the athletic realm, nobody challenges the utility of attractive male sportsmen. Is Kobe not a prevalent baller in spite of his movie star looks? Jeter is stunning, so his four rings do not exist, the stones of which have retreated to their Sierra Leone mines??
Let's celebrate the captivating presence of this Cruise and assess his abilities solely according to such captivation. How else could you have scrolled down this far?
You are undeniably captivated and can no longer condemn this actor's transcendence!
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C-SPAN Truthy about Google Agreement
Quick question,
Google: Why do you care where surfers get content from? It states clearly in your
mission statement that you wish to make the "world's information...universally accessible." That sounds like one possible path to
not being evil.
So it makes sense that you would enter into
a non-exclusive contract with C-SPAN to retain footage of Stephen Colbert's White House Correspondents Dinner presentation. On the surface it appears that you successfully negotiated to keep "accessible" on the web a
notable documentation of public discontent with the White House and The Press. How could you have known that while you signed your agreement for
non-exclusivity C-SPAN was shooting down proposals with other outlets to show the very same footage, "perplexing"
youtube representatives?
This new realm of online content sharing is very confusing, even though it is a revolution you helped to pioneer. This environment lends privilege to content over specific media outlets through search engines that connect users with their desired content regardless of what URL they type into their browser.
The sole distinction that results from this climate you constructed is whether content is paid for, or free. There is no distinction made among the web's free content, primarily because of the search mechanism you pioneered.
Then why make an agreement with C-SPAN for the Colbert footage?
I understand, they have a predisposition not to give permission for use of any of their popular copyrighted materials. This shows an undeniable lack of comprehension of the new free-content landscape, on C-SPAN's side. But it does not excuse you from catering to this ineptness.
A recent C-SPAN release reveals a meager attempt at misleading the public and clouding over their inability to recognize the value of viral web dissemination. In their own words, C-SPAN "entered into a non-exclusive arrangement with Google Video in order to increase the Colbert event's free availability."
This doublespeak would make envious the very government they claim to present unfiltered.
How does denying usage on other web outlets "increase...free availability?" Balderdash!
It would be understandable if C-SPAN were a for-profit entity and they were reducing access to their content in lieu of DVD sales of the event. But same release claims: "DVD's are produced essentially at cost." If C-SPAN's goal is to make their content available to the widest audience, then viral dissemination on the web should be their holy grail, not a thorn in the side.
Let's say, for sake of argument, that DVD's are generally produced at cost, and that a bestseller "Colbert's Roast of George W." would give the channel's numbers some welcomed padding at the end of the year. Viral promotion of said title would still prove to be to be negligible at the very worst. It's like arguing that C-SPAN's own "Book TV" features do authors a disservice by promoting titles to book buyers less the author's permission.
It's like saying that an obscure book that is already available at a public or college library is unjustly harmed by being rendered searchable on the web.
You see what you're facilitating, Google?
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