Church 'N Statement

In Pursuit of the Sleepy Express

Living on Long Island, I have to pay $100 more than my subway-riding coworkers each month to ride the ol' L-I-double-R. But for that chunk of change, I enjoy a slightly improved civility - though fewer acrobatic dance shows. I will just about always get a seat. I get to read, unmolested. But most importantly, I get to sleep.


The morning is essentially junk time for me. I stayed up too late the night before and am merely surviving til that morning coffee at Chock full 'o Nuts, at Herald Square. I have fully convinced myself that instead of getting 20 pages deeper into Jared Diamond's Collapse, I am much better off collapsing, myself, and serving up my body a healthful power nap.

It takes a little navigating to discover the best accommodations that the Long Island Railroad has to offer. Everybody has the same ticket, and it's up to you to decide if you're going to ride coach or business class. Below is a list of sleeping accommodations, rated from Spartan up to Lavish.

Mr. Ed Grab a pole. Usually used for half-sleeping drunkards who do not want to wake up in Ronkonkoma.

Comfort level: N/A

Sleepy Slim Before the advent in 1988 of the Handle on the Side of the Chair, LIRR trains were designed with one Half-Seat in every row that featured a handle on top for a standing-room-only passenger to hold onto. Unlike subway cars, trains have poles located at the door lobbies only. Unfortunately, these un-chairs still exist, the back of which is only high enough to accommodate an infant or toddler. If adjacent seat is vacant, and you absolutely need to rest your head on something, place delicately on corner of the higher backing, as if resting on an invisible person's shoulder. People will stare, but don't worry. Just don't lean too hard, as to avoid swelling of the brain.

Comfort level: Injurious

Sleepy Twin During rush hour, about the only best option. Each row has two seats on one side, three on the other. We'll call these groupings of two and three "sections." First, every individual claims a section, which leaves the next wave of sitters to sit on the aisle side of the three-seat section. This is the Half-Seat position for the older trains. But you must not select a Sleepy Twin if there is a Half-Seat available. (That would turn it into a Creepy Twin.) You have to suck it up. That is why you are better off on a more crowded car or a deserted car. If the car is in that Half-Seat seating limbo, bail pronto!

Comfort level: Still a Little Too Close

Sleeperloper Pretty much as a rule, a man (we're broader) will stand in the aisle rather than sitting in that middle seat of a three-seat section. But alas, if the car is almost bursting, you have to take it, as it is your duty to provide more room for other aisle-dwellers. And once you're packed in there - oh well, what does it hurt to catch a coupla winks?

Comfort level: Beyond Close...Approaching Snuggly

No Feet Sleep Why does anybody want to be facing anybody else on the morning or evening commute, which represents about 95 percent of LIRR commuters?? Unfortunately, at each end of the car, that is exactly the environment these geniuses created. Instead of just curling up in a corner, you have to knee-wrestle your fellow passengers to get any space. Often, though, you can stretch one leg out on a diagonal.

Comfort level: Numb or tingly

Sleep Over At Jamaica, the connection train does something very weird. It plays favorites by opening one side of its doors first - and it's always the other side. A torrent of commuters rush in to take up all the decent spots while you drool, nose pressed up to the glass. Get smart and hop over to the other side via footbridge. If you're really good, you can time it so that you are walking down the other side as the train approaches. This will avoid uncomfortable stares from across the tracks.

Comfort level: Getting There

Less-Walk Sleepy When you're City-bound, trains approach from the east and head west. The car that is furthest east is effectively the caboose. It will also be the more popular of the end trains as most of Manhattan is toward the 7th Ave direction (east), not 8th Ave (west). I say this because there are two forces at work with train sitters: 1) toward the middle of the train, where most foot traffic settles on the platform 2) toward the ends, to get closer to ultimate destination. (The result is roughly a sine graph over the length of the car, but with a slight peak over the end cars. Observe these irregularities and, perhaps, take the second to last car if necessary.) For me, I am currently walking east from 7th, so the east car is my Less-Walk Sleepy.

Comfort level: Sleepy

Sleepy Car But you soon realize that you would trade an extra avenue's walk for a good 15 minutes of sleep every morning. You're in no rush to get to work. Now you are beginning to gain wisdom. Walk west and stretch your legs out in the most available car. In fact, if that one is a little crowded - just wait for the next connection. Oh, it's a local? Even more sleep!

Comfort level: Ahhhh...

Sleepy Express My station is pretty small and has a pretty affluent clientele. Though it is not at the termination point of any LIRR line, someone conned the railroad into originating a direct-to-Penn train at this stop! (There aren't any other Penn-direct trains out of the entire day's schedule!) Have your pick and enjoy the trip.

Comfort level: Nirvana

posted by Stand-up Chris @ 3:53 PM