Church 'N Statement

A Brief Biography of Marc Singer

Note: All musings on the actor's personal life and training regimen are pure speculation. Marc and I joke about this stuff all the time.

It's been a beastly journey for Marc Singer. With guest roles in classic 70s shows like Hawaii Five-O, Barnaby Jones and Columbo, he busted out with his outer He-man, The Beastmaster, in 1982, rocking the shit out of high priests, witches and those crazy minions that eat people whole with their skin-cloak-orifices (only if you saw it do you know).

Then, onto Dallas and Murder She Wrote. I was ecstatic in the early 90s to discover a direct-to-video sequel, but when I actually rented it, I was severely demoralized. They did the Awesome Fantasy Characters Go to Earth and Look Stupid thing. This phenomenon is usually marked by the asskicking muscle-bound superstar being thwarted by ordering at fastfood restaurants, attacking a vending machine or being stumped/amazed by other mundane Earthly conventions like automobiles. In his natural setting, the romantic costar is first timid at the hero's immense strength and fighting abilities and just about faints when he kisses her. In this new, bizarro realm, she is first offended by his barbaric ways, then finds him innocent and cute and tries to unearth his sensitive side.

At some point in the mid-90s Marc Singer got lazy, I suspect, and abandoned the gym for the fastfood joints that so puzzled his alternate identity. He had to learn how to actually act - and did vocals for several animated cartoons.

Then he got divorced, spent all of his money on hookers and endured a horrific midlife crisis. His only recourse was to resurrect the true calling of his life - the Beastmaster. He returned to the jungle on a strict diet of tree bark, slugs and strangling tigers with his bare hands. I haven't seen the latest instalment, but it was good enough to spawn the TV show in 01-02 - bringing back this beloved character a full two decades after its inception.

posted by Stand-up Chris @ 10:53 AM